She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
