You made me cry and you don't even care
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Sext me about skeletons
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
