I hate your face
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
