you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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