No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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