Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
