I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
