Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
