I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Randomize
