you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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