So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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