when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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