saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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