we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
