My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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