They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
