You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize