i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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