i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
