yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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