i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
and you said cock pushups were impossible
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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