I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
