I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
