Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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