Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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