I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Randomize
