dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
