i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
