Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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