The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
You ate ashes out of my bong
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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