I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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