you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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