just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
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