So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
