i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
