Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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