I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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