i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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