The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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