whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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