You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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