why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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