forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
