I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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