This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
