So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
