You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
