my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
