party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
