She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
