Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Someone shattered a urinal.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
