I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
