Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
