I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
