If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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