Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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