Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
