dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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