i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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