sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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