He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
