Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
