dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
