Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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