we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize