i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
